Have you ever evaluated the relationships you currently have or the ones you have had in the past?
I recently did this and found some similarities in the relationships that I formed or was subjected to.
I went back to childhood and found that I was the little girl that sought out the other kids that were picked on; I formed relationships with my elders by helping them with tasks; I was the “mother figure” to my friends; and I was the “what-if’er”, trying to think ahead of what could go wrong.
- The problem with this trait: I was trying to fix people by being the one they came to when noone else wanted to be friends with them; I was the one that would always help when noone else would; I was the one they could count on not “messing up”. This was a HUGE task for me to hold as a child/teen.
As a young adult, I continued to seek out others that were picked on, injured and sick. I gravitated to these people that “needed” someone to help them.
- The problem with this trait: I kept gravitating to the same type of people as I did when I was a child. I was the accountable one; the one with a huge heart that “cared” about everyone and how they were feeling; the one they could lean on when they were sick, stressed, sad and even happy. I always celebrated their wins with them.
As I got older in adulthood, I continued to gravitate to others in need of help, guidance and support. I even chose a career based on helping others. I always thought I was meant to be a “helper”.
- The problem with this trait: I cannot help everyone; not everyone wants/needs my help; I wasn’t listening to what I needed in a relationship, only what others were seeking out in me.
I considered these traits about myself as positive. What I didn’t realize was the negative impact these relationships were having on my mind, body and spirit. When I did some exercises to help me understand why I chose these type of relationships, I understood I needed to do to some sole searching; what was I really looking for in these relationships?
Don’t get me wrong, some of these relationships started out as the other person “needing” my friendship, love and affection, but we were able to be there to respect and care for each other mutually. These are the few relations that I have held onto in my life.
The relations that did not work out well resulted in me usually being the one that walked away. I felt there was a “one way street” I was on with 8/10 relationships that I was involved in. Meaning, people kept me around as the person they could come to when something was wrong in their life. Rarely did these people come to me when they celebrated the good in their life. Worst of all, these people seemed to pull out the negative attributes in me, the personality traits that I rarely saw in myself let alone allowed others to witness. The following are examples of the realtionships in life:
The importance of me recognizing the relationships I was involved in that were not healthy was because I was undergoing a much needed transformation in my life. I needed to understand where my stressors laid so I knew how to work on and potentially eliminate the stressors that were making me ill. A huge stressor in my life was my RELATIONSHIPS.
Setting healthy relationships with yourself and with others is ONE step in living a healthy LIfestyle, the Anti-inflammatory way!
You have access to 2 PDF’s. Please review these so you can work on developing Healthy Relationships with others and with yourself.
- Steps to develop Healthy Boundaries
- Tips for setting Expectations
When working on living a Healthy Lifestyle, relationships need to be reviewed and addressed. The people we surround ourselves with are very important for our Mindset and overall health.
Being in a Positive Relationship means you and the other person:
- communicate with each other
- respect each others needs
- have good listening skills
- have healthy conflicts
- show committment to one another
- compromise with each other
- trust each other
- are honest with each other
- keep your independence and value the other person’s independence
- show kindness to one another
- take responsibility for each others actions
- Most of all……have fun and enjoy each other’s company!
Unhealthy relationship SIGNS. How do you know if your relationship(s) are unhealthy?
- when the other person is very intense in their words, behaviors, actions
- someone expresses possessive traits-controlling what you do, who you are with and how you act
- someone tries to control your actions, decisions and emotions
- the other person isolates you from others
- the other person purposefully tries to ruin your success personally and professionally
- someone says negative things to you or about you to make themselves looks and feel better
- others make you feel guilty for things or holding you responsible for their actions. It is not your job to make sure these people are always happy(this was my biggest misktake)
- the relationship youa re in is hostile; there is anger, confrontation and strong behaviors that make you uncomfortable
- someone betrays you!
Your ACTIVITY is to JOURNAL! Review your relationships. Review the Positive and Negative attributes for a Relationship as written above.
Write each of the following 5 categories down in your journal
Write the positive and negative thoughts you may have about each
Take 1 category at a time and develop a plan to turn the negative into a positive
If there is no way to positively change your current relationship , maybe now is the time to determine if it is worth keeping. This can be a tough decision to make but in the long run, it can decrease the negative impacts on your life and health. example) work– if your boss is showing more signs of negative attributes, you need to develop healthy boundaries for yourself. If you have done this and you have communicated your needs without a positive effect, now is the time to move on to searching for a new job. Staying in your current job is detrimental to your health. The stress far outweighs any positive effects you may be gaining from this position. These negative effects carry over to all aspects of your mind, body and overall health causing chronic stress and illness.
I struggled with work/professional, friend, and aquaintances relationships. To be honest, I even struggled with family relationships over the years.
My romantic relationship was easy. We knew what each other liked, wanted and enjoyed. Yes there were struggles throughout the years, but our communication was strong. I needed to base my other relationships on the ONE relationship that worked for me…….my marriage. I evaluated my other relationships and compared them to my marriage; I then developed a plan to correct the negative aspects of my relationships. If my relationships meant anything to me, they were worth working on. I also had to work on myeslef for all other relations to work.
My relationships were not always positive ones but I did learn from each of them.
- I didn’t have to be the one person people came to for “help”, there are times I needed to lean on them and would not allow myself that luxury. This made it a “one-side” relationship for others. Why should they let me in on what is happening in their life, when I was not doing the same? This caused tension and stress in my relationships as others felt a lack of trust from me.
- others wanted to get to know me, but I would put up a wall between me and the other person. After an evaluation of past relationships, I had lost trust in the people I allowed to get close to me for most of them were not available when I actually “needed” them (I can list these specific times, but that won’t do me or anyone else any good).
- I gave too much of myself and my time. I allowed others to take advantage of my willingness to “help them”. I did not set clear boundaries.
- I held very high expectations for others. I expected people to be “like me”. The problem with this…… we cannot expect anything from anyone. By “expecting” someone to behave the way I thought they should, brought about disappointment and eventual grudge holding.
Why is this topic important?
Well, when we surround ourselves with the right people, studies have shown an increase in happiness and a decrease in mental health disease. When we choose to expose ourselves to Healthy relationships and positive people, this is a sign of respect and loving ourselves. If we cannot respect ourselves and love ourselves, how do we expect others to show these positive attributes toward us?
So…..does this make you want to re-evaluate the relationships in your life?
Do you have relationships that are causing you distress?
Are you willing to develop a plan to make some changes in your current relationships and those that you develop in the future?
Contact me if you need some guidance with learning the steps to take toward finding happy, healthy relationships. I can guide you through my 5 Step Healthy Lifestyle Program for living an Anti-inflammatory Lifestyle to decrease stress and illness. Click the following link to schedule a FREE Discovery call so we can see if we are a good fit to work together with me being your Health and Wellness Empowerment Coach. http://www.qualifiedwellnesssolutions.com/services